Tuesday, August 23rd, 2011

tumblingdays: May the bridges I burn light my way (past)
I've been making plans with an old friend to spend a weekend with her and her husband in about a month. I'm super excited about it, but a little nervous too. I used the term "old friend" here, but I am not sure how apt it really is.

By one measure, she is my oldest friend. We met when I was four and moved into a house in her neighborhood. But then at nine, I moved away and our contact was sporadic until I was about 16. Then- well, some things happened in my family life that are best left for another post- and I lost contact with most of the people from before. In large part, this was the choice of the people in my past. In some fewer cases, this was my choice. And in a very few cases, this was no one's choice. I turned 16 before the age of Facebook and cell phones and it was easier to lose touch with people then. The problem is, I don't really know who I just "fell out of touch" with and who made the choice to abandon me and my family. This makes me slightly untrusting of people in general, and bitter and definitely untrusting of people in my past specifically. And even among those who couldn't deal with what was going on at the time, some of them have since searched me out to reconnect. My past can be a tangled mess sometimes, and mostly I try to live my life moving forward.

Chronology aside, she is really someone that I am just getting to know as an adult. We met up for a tentative lunch a few months ago, and it went so well that we spent literally hours at lunch and then at coffee afterwards. I like the adult that she has become, and I like that we are reconnecting. At the same time, it is really, really strange to interact with someone who remembers me best as the child I was before... When she tells stories about our past together, it's like getting a postcard from a distant country. I wonder if she feels the same way?

Coming up next month, my husband and I are spending the weekend as her and her husband's guests. We don't live in the same city, and this will be our second in person visit. I admit that I am a little nervous. It's a big step for me to invite select people from my past back into my life. It scares me that this decision will be repaid with new hurts. I hope not though. I hope that it will be a step in merging the old me into the person I am now.


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