tumblingdays: Oversaturated Photo of a flower (intimate)
[personal profile] tumblingdays
My husband and I have started taking ballroom dancing classes together. This has been a hella lot of fun and also provided quite an interesting window into our relationship. We are into our fourth week of lessons and it so nice to finally feel like our feet are untangled and we are beginning to move together. We have such a good time, laughing a lot and trying something new to both of us. Last night, we learned the basic tango. It was amazing moving across the dance floor together.

But, I am not the most trusting individual. This part where he leads, and I follow? I struggle with that. And so does he. Our instructor has tried all kinds of things to help us get there. I close my eyes... sometimes the instructor only tells my husband what the steps are so that I HAVE to follow... it's tough.

The idea that I have to implicitly trust anyone, even my husband, to guide how I move my body is, frankly, a little terrifying. Plus, my husband isn't crazy about leading, and because our bodies are connected when we dance, I can feel every hesitation and second guess. This makes me even less likely to want to take that step backwards, where I can't see. Sometimes, dancing feels like fighting. Him fighting his tendency to let me take the lead and my fighting my own trust issues. At least, to me, it feels like we are fighting on the same side instead of against each other.

It's only been in the last two years or so that I've started really trying to "inhabit" my body rather than using it as a vessel to carry my brain around. Whether it's ballroom dancing or eating or lifting weights or hiking, I've really come to appreciate the fact that my body is ME in a way that I never felt before. It's not a meat bag that I inhabit. What happens to me emotionally also happens to my body and what happens to me physically also affects me mentally and emotionally.

I know this sounds basic, but I've spent almost my whole life treating my body like a separate entity from ME and there is a the beginnings of real peace as those disparate parts of me start to connect.


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October 2011

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