tumblingdays: Post-It Note that says "Walk Around the House Like a Fucking Champion" (Fuck yeah)
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A friend has asked me to be her work out partner. She suggested kickboxing, and so I spent part of the day yesterday looking for a gym where we could take kickboxing together. I am a member of the Y, which I love, but it's expensive if you aren't going to use it often. I can certainly think of better ways to spend the afternoon than reading the ridiculous adverts for gyms. Ugh.

The worst one was this (I won't link to the site): "It's You Against You." Ugh. Ugh. and Fucking Ugh. I continue to read Women Food and God and just got to her rant about something similar. Basically, it's this fucked up idea that we have to hate ourselves enough to love ourselves. We're going to fight our bodies into submission and then we will have peace. Really? That doesn't even make any goddam sense, but that message is everywhere. You have to hate yourself enough to want to change to yourself, and then magically, you will love yourself. Fucking nonsense.

And let me tell you, letting go of this idea is revolutionary. It pisses people off. There are people who my very existence offends. I'm not supposed to dress like I love my body. I'm not supposed to take up any space. I should apologize if I have to move my fat ass to another part of room, sit on a plane, share a sidewalk.

At the same time, I am somehow supposed to "love myself." My "good personality." My "smile." All those parts of me that aren't too fleshy or fat or juicy. Those parts of me that have no smell and can't be touched. I'm supposed to slice myself into pieces like that butchered animal - these abstract parts- love those. These isolated traits - your grey eyes, your small hands- love those. But the rest you must hate enough to change.

If I move through life as if I have a right to be here, it offends some people. If I don't close in on myself and I am not meek or apologetic or small, then I am obnoxious and greedy and pushy and a bitch.

I have chosen another path. I choose wholeness, happiness, peace, and compassion. I chose to trust my body and treat it kindly. I will not beat my thighs into submission or deprive my body of her nutrients. I will accept that this is who I am and I will take care of all of me- body and mind. And if you don't like it, fuck you.


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October 2011

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