tumblingdays: Oversaturated Photo of a flower (Default)
There is little that discourages me more than feeling like my body is failing me. I've learned over the last couple of years that if I am good to my body, it will be good to me. Lots of things are challenging, but every day life stuff works just fine.

This week, I totally haven't felt that way. Now, this is my fault, mostly. I spent last week in Cancun, and while I was very active, I still wasn't up to my usual level. And this week, I forgot to take a day off from working out (until today). So basically I went from lounging and drinking too much for a week to over-exercising (for my fitness level) and oh yeah, still drinking more than usual. Hmmm.

Last night was ballroom dancing. We started at 6:30 and by 8:30, my shoulder, which is arthritic, was in really pain, my feet hurt, and my Iliotibial bands were on fire. Finally, I confessed to my husband that I plan couldn't do any more and needed to call it. In retrospect, two hours straight of ballroom dancing is a LONG time, and he admitted that he was worn out too. I don't think I realized early on how many dances we sat out because we hadn't learned them yet. Last night it was only the Cha-Cha, and two of the instructors pulled us onto the floor for one round of Cha-Chaing.

Afterward, Jim headed out to a concert with some of his guy friends and I did an epsom salt soak and went to sleep.

Today, my shoulder is still on fire. I'm going to have to make another trip to the doctor about the arthritis, and that is NOT my idea of a good time. I hate the reminders that I have a history of not taking very good care of my body. It makes me feel like a total failure as a human being and a hypocrite since it is so important to me now to live as if my mind and my body are all ME.

Tonight I am home, with my feet propped up and my pjs on. Tomorrow, I have my second walking 5K scheduled, but I am trying to take things easy tonight.
tumblingdays: Oversaturated Photo of a flower (intimate)
My husband and I have started taking ballroom dancing classes together. This has been a hella lot of fun and also provided quite an interesting window into our relationship. We are into our fourth week of lessons and it so nice to finally feel like our feet are untangled and we are beginning to move together. We have such a good time, laughing a lot and trying something new to both of us. Last night, we learned the basic tango. It was amazing moving across the dance floor together.

But, I am not the most trusting individual. This part where he leads, and I follow? I struggle with that. And so does he. Our instructor has tried all kinds of things to help us get there. I close my eyes... sometimes the instructor only tells my husband what the steps are so that I HAVE to follow... it's tough.

The idea that I have to implicitly trust anyone, even my husband, to guide how I move my body is, frankly, a little terrifying. Plus, my husband isn't crazy about leading, and because our bodies are connected when we dance, I can feel every hesitation and second guess. This makes me even less likely to want to take that step backwards, where I can't see. Sometimes, dancing feels like fighting. Him fighting his tendency to let me take the lead and my fighting my own trust issues. At least, to me, it feels like we are fighting on the same side instead of against each other.

It's only been in the last two years or so that I've started really trying to "inhabit" my body rather than using it as a vessel to carry my brain around. Whether it's ballroom dancing or eating or lifting weights or hiking, I've really come to appreciate the fact that my body is ME in a way that I never felt before. It's not a meat bag that I inhabit. What happens to me emotionally also happens to my body and what happens to me physically also affects me mentally and emotionally.

I know this sounds basic, but I've spent almost my whole life treating my body like a separate entity from ME and there is a the beginnings of real peace as those disparate parts of me start to connect.

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tumblingdays

October 2011

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